Moving Forward

I'm honored. I'm disappointed. I'm scared. I'm finding comfort.

I'm honored to have cast my first vote in a presidential election in favor of Hillary Rodham Clinton, the most qualified person for the job this country has ever seen. I caucused for Hillary, I donated to her campaign, I made buttons, I did what I could and I'm honored to have done it. I'm so glad that my first vote went to a woman who truly wanted to help this nation; a person who ran a campaign built on unity, not the destruction of the "other."

The Hillary button I made and
pinned to my backpack
in the weeks leading up to the election.

But I'm disappointed in our country. I knew that there was so much more to do, but I didn't realize the power of white supremacy. This nation elected a candidate backed by the KKK and other neo-Nazi, white supremacist groups. We thought we had come so far, but it's clear that with every step forward there are four steps back.

I'm scared for myself, I'm scared for women, immigrants, Muslims, POC, LBGT+, and disabled people. I don't feel safe in the country I have called home for so long. Last night I was surrounded by so many people but we all felt so alone; our country abandoned us. I walked out of my dorm today and I was afraid of the people I met; I was unsure of who to trust, who actually cares about me, who was on my side, I still am.

After a restless, tear-filled night, followed by a stressful, tear-filled morning, I sat in my adviser's office with tissues in both hands trying to figure out where we go from here. How do we regroup? How do we look forward? Earlier, I broke down and subsequently shut down: I was distraught. But in his words I found comfort, and I realized that it was more prevalent than I thought. I'm finding some comfort in the people who support me and in those that I support. I'm finding some comfort in my tears. I'm finding some comfort in my Lord. Soon, I will begin to heal, but for now I will grieve.

Me, on Nov. 8, 2016,
holding my "I voted" sticker.

I can't say that I believe Trump was the best thing for our county, but he is what we'll have this January. I keep hearing a lot of people promise to leave, but  I can't leave this country. McGill is a fine institution, but I'm going to stay here (even though, I will admit, I checked the transfer policy for international students). I'm going to fight: Trump may have won this election but we can not let the ideologies he normalized remain popular opinions.

After the Constitutional Convention Benjamin Franklin said we have "a republic, if you can keep it."

"If you can keep it." 

Ben Franklin was a pretty terrible person, but he got at least one thing right. Our republic exists because of us, and if we leave, or stop pushing for equality and acceptance, or give up on it, we threaten the livelihood of this nation.

Can we?

I'm staying in the US, I'm staying at my university, I'm not giving up. I'm trying to wrestle with what the future will bring and I'm scared, but I am not losing hope in what this country can be. You shouldn't lose hope either.

Maame's College Extravaganza: Where is She Now

Hello...it's me...I haven't made a blog post in six months. I would like to tell you that I was taking a hiatus or that I was really busy, but really I just got really lazy after college decisions came out if I am being completely honest here. Ok let's debrief: I picked a college fun fact, I left Kansas for a state governed by a Kennedy (technically an ex-Kennedy, but it's water under the bridge to me). The freshman fifteen has not happened yet, actually here is what I look like now:

An actual photo of me, taken last week.

I accidentally stumbled on one of my old College Extravaganza posts, and now that I've been living on campus for nearly two months, I'm a seasoned professional of college life. During my visit to Cornell a year ago, I was really taken aback by how hilly it was. I remain completely taken aback by the hills. I also gave the geofilters a 6/10: I stand behind that. However, after becoming a student here with a Cornell water bottle and all, I've learned that the backwards-walking tour guide skipped a few things.

1. There are spiders everywhere. I'm not sure if it's just my hall or if Ithaca, NY sits on an ancient spider birthing place, but I cannot escape the spiders and it's killing me. Big spiders, little spiders, reoccurring spiders--you think you killed them but somehow they come back.
2. I swear every day on campus is a fashion show. You really can't leave your dorm for anything unless you are fully prepared for a fashion photographer to snap a picture of you. When it's sunny, rainy, overcast, cold, warm, you name it--everybody is well dressed. I wore sweatpants to class today and I couldn't even look anyone in the eye because I look like a bum. It's a struggle because classes are already hard as it is and on top of that you have to look put together.
3. Kansas is apparently a Southern tropical state. Around-hmmm- 98% of Cornell undergraduates are from Long Island alone, so when I tell people I'm from Kansas they are really shocked, then they make Wizard of Oz jokes, until finally they start to ask questions. I really thought I had heard it all before until people started asking me about non-Dorothy related information.
   
   

   "Does it snow in Kansas?"
   "Where's Kansas?"
   "Do you live on a farm?" pic.twitter.com/jxbg7zJJUU

   — Maud Maame (@duhmaame) September 6, 2016

4. 2am is a really good time. All of my assignments require a lot of reading and between tanking my exams or being slightly sleep deprived, I've chosen the latter. 2am is very chill: it's earlier than the 4am panic that comes with a frantic all nighter, the spiders have gone to sleep, my hall us usually quiet, and by that point I'm so tired I just hunker down and focus because I want to sleep.
5. 9am is a horrible time. I have a 9am class twice a week, and every day when my alarm goes off at 8, I feel like I'm being dragged into the inner-most circle of Dante's Inferno until I remember the per-class price of my lecture; that's when I finally wake up. 
6. I'm spoiled by Cornell Dining. I knew prior to attending that Cornell has really good dining hall food, but I didn't know how much it would affect me until I was complaining about my sirloin steak being overcooked. I'm going to leave it at that.
7. Patagonia is a big deal??? I'm not entirely sure why???
8. Cornell-made ice cream is essentially sugar mixed with frozen butter???

The best thing about Cornell so far though is how helpful people have been; with the exception of the few boys I once overheard talking about how helping people is stupid. Maybe it's because I scream "freshman." Or maybe it's because everybody thinks I'm this poor, sad wheat farmer from Kansas. I'm not sure--but every time I get lost I always manage to find someone willing to help me and that really nice. 

Now for Cornell at a glance: The geofilters have improved slightly, but still nothing on Lawrence's improved filters, so the 6/10 stands. I'm giving every single walkway that is at anytime uphill a 0/10 because I actually hate them and I don't want toned legs; I want comfort. As for my classes they'll all receive an 8/10 because I like them, but they're stressful. 

One Art

When I completed the bulk of my college applications this past January at nearly 2 am, I left my desk in my room, went to my living room, put on my favorite movie score and cried. That sounds really weird, finishing such a tedious thing should be almost euphoric--I'm about to start the next chapter of my life--but it felt very bittersweet.

For me, it came down to location: every school I applied to (that day) was in the East Coast, so if I got what I wanted, I was moving 1,500 miles away. And it hit me all then, really hit me, but I didn't know what to do so I cried. It's not like I wasn't excited to move, I'm still excited to move, but I was thinking about how nearly everyone else was going to stay at least in Midwest, and I thought about how when I come home to visit everything will have changed without me.

Now that the college application process is over, Ivy day is over, I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going in the Fall (75% sure). I think back in January I was really scared of change, and I still am to be honest, but I'm doing a better job of coping with my fear. I kept thinking about what I'd be missing: my family, my friends, my hometown; and didn't think about what I would be gaining in return: a stellar education, new friends, a new experience.

There's a poem by Elizabeth Bishop called "One Art" that talks about how loss is an art, but it doesn't always lead to disaster. It's meant ironically, because for her, loss is very much a disaster. And the author just keeps telling herself that she's fine until she believes it, but she never really does. I kept doing that with my fear for the longest time, saying that I'd be fine being gone, that I would figure something out, but it finally clicked that I'm not really losing anything by moving.

My hometown isn't going to get up and leave just because I'm not there. My family is still going to love me. The friends that I have here are people that I trust will continue being my friends even if it means we won't see each other everyday. I'm not losing like Ms. Bishop, I'm redistributing myself and my time, and that's okay.

In recent weeks I've had a few falling outs with people I considered friends, so as time goes on, I think making a change might be good for me. My college options are looking great, and I will be in a more healthy environment, I think. As I get closer to finishing high school, I'm looking even looking forward to the change I thought I would dread.

People always talk about how college matures you, and I have no idea if that's true yet since I still have a month and a half left of high school, but just having gone through the college application process has taught me a lot about myself.

I'm going on a college visit for accepted students in a few days, I'm very excited about it. It's one of the schools I blogged about on my College Extravaganza. I hope I'll have time to blog about my experience.