When I completed the bulk of my college applications this past January at nearly 2 am, I left my desk in my room, went to my living room, put on my favorite movie score and cried. That sounds really weird, finishing such a tedious thing should be almost euphoric--I'm about to start the next chapter of my life--but it felt very bittersweet.
For me, it came down to location: every school I applied to (that day) was in the East Coast, so if I got what I wanted, I was moving 1,500 miles away. And it hit me all then, really hit me, but I didn't know what to do so I cried. It's not like I wasn't excited to move, I'm still excited to move, but I was thinking about how nearly everyone else was going to stay at least in Midwest, and I thought about how when I come home to visit everything will have changed without me.
Now that the college application process is over, Ivy day is over, I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going in the Fall (75% sure). I think back in January I was really scared of change, and I still am to be honest, but I'm doing a better job of coping with my fear. I kept thinking about what I'd be missing: my family, my friends, my hometown; and didn't think about what I would be gaining in return: a stellar education, new friends, a new experience.
There's a poem by Elizabeth Bishop called "One Art" that talks about how loss is an art, but it doesn't always lead to disaster. It's meant ironically, because for her, loss is very much a disaster. And the author just keeps telling herself that she's fine until she believes it, but she never really does. I kept doing that with my fear for the longest time, saying that I'd be fine being gone, that I would figure something out, but it finally clicked that I'm not really losing anything by moving.
My hometown isn't going to get up and leave just because I'm not there. My family is still going to love me. The friends that I have here are people that I trust will continue being my friends even if it means we won't see each other everyday. I'm not losing like Ms. Bishop, I'm redistributing myself and my time, and that's okay.
In recent weeks I've had a few falling outs with people I considered friends, so as time goes on, I think making a change might be good for me. My college options are looking great, and I will be in a more healthy environment, I think. As I get closer to finishing high school, I'm looking even looking forward to the change I thought I would dread.
People always talk about how college matures you, and I have no idea if that's true yet since I still have a month and a half left of high school, but just having gone through the college application process has taught me a lot about myself.
I'm going on a college visit for accepted students in a few days, I'm very excited about it. It's one of the schools I blogged about on my College Extravaganza. I hope I'll have time to blog about my experience.
For me, it came down to location: every school I applied to (that day) was in the East Coast, so if I got what I wanted, I was moving 1,500 miles away. And it hit me all then, really hit me, but I didn't know what to do so I cried. It's not like I wasn't excited to move, I'm still excited to move, but I was thinking about how nearly everyone else was going to stay at least in Midwest, and I thought about how when I come home to visit everything will have changed without me.
There's a poem by Elizabeth Bishop called "One Art" that talks about how loss is an art, but it doesn't always lead to disaster. It's meant ironically, because for her, loss is very much a disaster. And the author just keeps telling herself that she's fine until she believes it, but she never really does. I kept doing that with my fear for the longest time, saying that I'd be fine being gone, that I would figure something out, but it finally clicked that I'm not really losing anything by moving.
My hometown isn't going to get up and leave just because I'm not there. My family is still going to love me. The friends that I have here are people that I trust will continue being my friends even if it means we won't see each other everyday. I'm not losing like Ms. Bishop, I'm redistributing myself and my time, and that's okay.
In recent weeks I've had a few falling outs with people I considered friends, so as time goes on, I think making a change might be good for me. My college options are looking great, and I will be in a more healthy environment, I think. As I get closer to finishing high school, I'm looking even looking forward to the change I thought I would dread.
People always talk about how college matures you, and I have no idea if that's true yet since I still have a month and a half left of high school, but just having gone through the college application process has taught me a lot about myself.
I'm going on a college visit for accepted students in a few days, I'm very excited about it. It's one of the schools I blogged about on my College Extravaganza. I hope I'll have time to blog about my experience.
